Tuesday, May 18, 2010

As Requested- #1

Topic #1 From Marilou (A.K.A. "Mom"): "Ok, I would like for you to answer this question in a blog. I am pretty sure that you could come up with something amusing to say about the subject. What is the correct answer to the question 'does this dress make me look fat?' (and other such ponderings)"

"Does this dress make me look fat?" How many times has this catch 22 line been used for some sort of joke? Oh so many times. Why? Because it has occurred so often in reality. The entire point of humor is to find something in reality that most people have experienced or heard about and capitalize on the obvious comical nature of said "something". Therefore, men, what do you do when this certain question is posed to you? What is the correct response to "Does this dress make me look fat?" Let's weigh the options. Their
pros and cons.

1. Be honest.
-Pro #1: If the dress does, indeed, make your woman look fat, you have saved her from embarrassment, shame, and horrendous pictures to commemorate the "fat dress".
-Pro #2: If she does not look fat in the dress, you have now opened up a window of opportunity to compliment your woman on the dress, her body, etc., etc. After a plethora of compliments, you as the husband know that you will be... ahem... rewarded for the "honest" response.
- Con #1: If the dress does, indeed, make your woman look fat, don't expect love-making for quite some time. Your woman's self-esteem has plummeted. Although she already knew the dress made her look heftier than usual (which is why she had to check with you in the first place), you have now insulted not her body in that particular dress, oh no, but her body in general. She does not look fat in the dress... she is a hippo... regardless of attire. With this in mind, unless you tell her that you have always had some strange attraction to hippos, she will not think she is worthy of having sex with you because she is too fat.
- Con #2: If she does not look fat in the dress, you are a liar. Why, she KNOWS she looks fat in that dress, she has two eyes of her own, dang it! However, you...
you are the problem... how can she trust you now?!

2. Lie. Lie until your nose rivals the length of the Golden Gate Bridge.
-Pro #1: You have avoided the
wrath of a self-conscious woman, and you have lifted her self-esteem. She feels thinner and more attractive because of you.
-Con #1: Most likely, if she felt the need to ASK if the dress "plumped" her, she already knew that it did. And now... now she has caught you
lying. Consider yourself doomed.
-Con #2: One word: pictures. (See the end of Con #1.)

3. Ignore the question; act like you did not hear it; subtly move on to another topic.
-Pro #1:
If your woman is not very perceptive, this would be the best choice. She will either start thinking about something else or just not care enough to remind you of her question.
-Con #1: If your woman is perceptive, you are doomed once again. Sorry. She will catch on and either get angry at you because now she KNOWS you think she looks fat and/or she knows that you are afraid of her wrath. You are afraid of her wrath = she is too emotional.

In Short: If you are a man to which this question is posed, you are destined for an epic. fail.

However: As a Christian and a person who believes in morals- including honesty- I would have to say the best, and least deceptive, decision would be to be honest (Option #1). If you should choose this route, please remember to observe the pros and cons as this route could possibly be fatal. However, every other route could, too, turn fatal. Therefore, I figure, you might as well choose the moral one. Right? Is this making sense?

The Point Is: You should be honest but KIND! Blunt truth is absolutely not acceptable. Bluntness, abruptness, frankness, straight-forwardness - leave these friends at home... or in another room if this conversation occurs at your home... Just be sweetly honest. That would be the best way to handle this catch 22 in my opinion. What do you think?

Oh! But before you answer that question... this woman wants to know: "Does this dress make me look fat?"



  1. I must say the picture is worth a thousand words! its hysterical! :) Usually if I ask, I already know Im not comfortable in the dress and therefore just shouldn't try to pull it off :)

  2. Once again another hilarious blog. I think you nailed it. :)

  3. Haha! I thought the pic was pretty good, too! As far as the asking, I agree. Usually I ask because I already know that I can't pull something off. Even if Trav says that I look fine, I many times change anyway because I personally feel uncomfortable!!! How silly of us to even ASK! LOL

  4. @Mom Thanks! It was a tough one to answer; that is why it too so stinkin' long! Another reason is because there were multiple options with multiple consequences. It was an overall time-consuming post, but I am so glad you enjoyed it! :)

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  6. While in most cases I agree with all the above mentioned options, there is a fourth scenario. This is affected mainly by the woman in question. If she designs the use of this question from the beginning of her relationship in such a way that she only asks if she really wants to know AND has promised/ proven to her spouse that she will not be upset at the honest answer, then and ONLY then, may this question be safely answered by the said husband. While this is difficult to do for the woman, it allows a sense of relief to the husband. He no longer has to dread that catch 22 question, AND he can honestly love and support his wife. Wins all around!

    (And I did remove this same post and repost it because I had a comma out of place... epic fail!)

  7. @Kels Ok, your comma OCDness was hysterical. Now, on to your fourth option. In a perfect world, yes. In the REAL world, DREAM ON, GIRLFRIEND!!! LOL! Men could only wish that we women could be so very simple. Unfortunately, even with this promise, we would still feel like junk at the end of it all (even if it was only on the inside). Then, as we were feeling junkie later in the day, the cuddling would magically cease as we would feel fat and "uncuddlable". The only issue then would be... our men would have no bloody idea WHY!!! Haha! If we could somehow master this skill, then we would officially be Wonder Women. yessssss. Let's all pray about that. Hehe!

  8. hahaha I LOVED this one Brittany. These poor guys and what we put them through

  9. Thanks, Alyssa! I know... pure torture. It truly isn't fair. Oh well, they have to deal with it because we are the beautiful ones in the relationships!