Saturday, July 27, 2013

Things My Son Doesn't Need at the Beach

After going to the Discovery Beach Resort up in Cocoa Beach, Florida, I have made a profound discovery- ironic, eh?  My amazing, profoundly awesome discovery of fantastically genius proportions is as follows:  

All of the things that I think my child needs at the beach, he doesn't need.

My child doesn't need:

1. A towel to sit on.  And for that matter, neither does Mommy because Mommy will be chasing the toddler around the beach ensuring that he doesn't get kidnapped, hurt, or drowned (by himself- I think the ocean "calls to him"... that would explain the randomly wandering out there every once in awhile).

2. Copious amounts of snacks.  The beach gives Mommy the munchies, but it just gives toddler the runnies... well, ew, wait... I didn't mean that... it gives him the.... IT MAKES HIM WANT TO RUN AND FROLIC, OKAY!?!?  Either way... he doesn't need my stinkin' snacks for him- AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

3. A hat.  Add one letter to hat and it becomes hate.  'Nough said.

4. A plethora of beach toys for his enjoyment.  He loves them!!!  ...for like a millisecond.  And he kept destroying my sand castle.  It is just overall upsetting to everyone involved.  The sand and water are enough to entertain him for plenty of time.  Not to mention, I think that he "walks" me like a dog... I think he exercises me at the beach because he just walks to the water and back up to our stuff over... and over... and over... I think my child thinks I am fat.  He is trying to help the situation as best he can.

5. Floaty devices.  Floating?  Where?  The water is too freezing for Mommy usually, and the water seems way awesome, until toddler touches it and decides to run away... but hey, it looks nice again... let's go test it and see if ::dips feet in::, NOPE!  RUN AWAYYYYY!!!!

6. A big ol' bath sheet-like thing.  (See #1)

Let's review by looking at things my child DOES need:

1. An extra swim diaper and wipes.

2. Water.

3. Extra sunscreen to apply (provided Mommy isn't totally exhausted chasing him up and down the beach for 30-45 minutes and feels like applying more so we can, indeed, spend MORE time walking back and forth).

Yup.  Learn from me, ye readers.  Learn from me.  Don't break your backs lugging a whole bunch of junk to the beach only for your child to spit in your face, laugh at your attempt, and cackle at your dismay!!!!  Or, you know, just be a toddler not even realize you brought anything to the beach and just run to the ocean, happy as a clam!  (Ha!  Get it?!  That was an ocean-referencing idiom!!!  ...Idiom?  Am I... am I using that correctly???)

What does your child simply not need at the beach?  Comment, por favor!  ;]