Sunday, April 11, 2010

Eaten Alive

Why is it so difficult to let old hurts go? How does Satan get such a stronghold on me sometimes with things that have happened years past? I guess it is the curse of a teacher. We teachers learn to reflect, reflect, reflect. Whether it be on our lesson's content, classroom management, planning, or some other facet to a teacher's profession, we reflect on the thing itself and the way we handled it. For my profession, this reflection, this thinking through and making judgments on choices and events is helpful and necessary. However, I find it becoming a crutch in my life outside of my profession.
God did not mean for us to reflect on everything. Should we reflect on some things? Of course. It is a basic skill of the human mind. Should we reflect on wrongs done to us? Absolutely not. Unfortunately, we are only human. We do not have that amazing capability to forgive and "forget" as does our Heavenly Father. How wonderful his forgiveness is: so full, so complete! We, too, can forgive completely and fully, but we do not have that mental capability of forgetting the wrongs done. Only Jesus. Only our God, so powerful and wonderful, could actually have no recollection of wrongs we have done against Him. Doesn't that blow your mind?
I hate bitterness. I hate that my reflection and incapability to let things go leads to bitterness. Is it ironic that I can actually be bitter at myself for being so bitter? I was at Home Group (Calvary Chapel Tallahassee) last night, and someone said something to another person who was sharing. When I heard her say it, it woke me up and saddened me. She said, "Yeah, that is bitterness. Bitterness will eat you alive." I have been bitter about things for so long that I feel like I have been eaten alive. Am I still here on this earth? Yes. Is the same happy-go-lucky Brittany who encouraged others unceasingly, felt slightly confident, and was overall content here? ...No. I feel like bitterness has eaten her up...most of her. Every once in awhile, I will find myself looking in the mirror thinking, "I feel like I look good. I feel like I'm beautiful." That is when that little bit of her decides to come out and make me happy. Another time she comes out is when I just feel like telling other people that they are beautiful, smart, funny, or wonderful in some other way. During those small, few times when the old, happy, silly Brittany decides to overcome the bitterness, I like me.
At some point, perhaps I will force bitterness to regurgitate the old Brittany and give her back! Unfortunately, as of now, I fell like she continues to be "eaten alive" by bitterness. What does bitterness leave? An empty shell that is filled with anger and the nature to criticize myself. These two components breed jealousy and more bitterness. That bitterness then continues to attack any happiness or confidence I have managed to allow myself.
Sorry for the rant. Perhaps you, too, have had similar feelings. If so, when you pray for yourself in this area, please try to throw me into your prayer as well. The feeling of inadequacy hurts every day.
Now stop reading about my mopey, bad day! Go have fun! :)


  1. I heard on an interview once "if it won't matter 5 years from now, it doesn't matter" So I guess only you can know whether or not in 5 years any of this will still matter. Don't beat yourself up. "There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus." Rom. 8:1