Sunday, July 4, 2010

P.S. Almost Forgot! (New York Bonus Info)

My loving husband who has the memory of an elephant reminded me that I didn't mention Angelo or the weird, naked hoarder man in my final New York post! *gasp* I know... how could I forget THEM?! I am so sorry! Hopefully this post will redeem that terrible mistake. By the way, there will be no pictures. Trust me, you will thank me.

Come one! Come all! To the New York Circus! See the amazing "Angelo" in all of his glory! Welcome:

Angelo could not have been more sitcom typical of a landlord. Now, realtors also call landlords "superintendents" shortened as "supers". Let me give this to you straight: super would be the
last word I would use to describe Angelo. In all of the other apartments we visited, the "super" was not there at the time. Well, we came to this apartment, and who did we meet? Angelo. He was in the kitchen complaining in an Italian accent about the previous tenant and how he/she left the place a mess.

Now, from that, you have already gathered that Angelo was Italian; if you didn't already gather it from the name, then you may need to be a little more perceptive to survive this world... anywho! He was an Italian man of impressive girth. Now, if you
do happen to be "girthful", no big deal (Ha! A pun!), but please, for the love of all retinas, don't share it with the world by wearing a deliciously hugging white tank top. my. eyes. are. still. burning.

Let's discuss how Italians usually have a significant amount of body hair, especially as they get older. Wait, no... let's
not discuss that because it's NAAAAASTY!!!! Well, Angelo... he... to put it nicely... he was not in need of body Rogaine. Hey, I have a joke: what do you get when you have a fat, hairy, Italian man working inside a hot apartment? A sweaty, fat, hairy Italian man! You don't think it's funny? None of us did either.

So now that we have discussed in excruciating detail this scrumptious hunk of man, I will now briefly describe his scrumptious apartment. It was a duplexy kind of place- except that there would be three tenants sharing (three floors). The apartment was awkward in that it had random small rooms that didn't make much sense, but, oh me oh my, the winning feature of the house was by far the bathroom. If you didn't go blind from looking at Angelo, you sure as anything had another chance with this bathroom. In short, it was... blue. Blue highlights? An attractive blue? Why don't
you guess the answers to these questions? I have a hint... the answers are the same and both rhyme with "go". You know it is bad when a bathroom reminds you of the inside of a giant Tupperware container. Oh yeah. It was gouge-your-eyes-out-tastical.

So... we signed the lease.


Okay folks, move on! Move on to the next exhibit! Come all to see "Weird Naked Hoarder Man" in all his glory- and we DO mean all his glory! Tickets, please:

One word: yum. The very first apartment we viewed with Lori was a duplex. She knew it was supposed to be unlocked, so we walked up the stairs, and she opened the door to find... holy junkamoly. Literally... junkamoly. There was junk, dirt, grime, etc.
all over the place! PILES! We could barely walk into the place at all. One of the rooms was blocked off by a sheet (but you could see enough into the room to tell that it was filled to the brim with junk as well). We couldn't walk into the kitchen; I honestly don't know how one could even get food from his kitchen! The place was overall, disgusting, and that is not exaggerating.

The first reaction from all of us,
including the realtor, was "Oh my gosh!" Lori called out "Hello?" a few times to see if anyone was there. I mean, we figured that someone was still living there, despite the unlivable conditions. No one answered, but we heard some noises... oh well. We proceeded to verbally trash the place because it was disgusting.

Lori hesitated and sheepishly ensured us that the place would be totally cleaned out before we would ever move in. (Yes, preposition... cease the judging!!!!) As she was "ensuring" us, she was interrupted. Interrupted by... none other than the second star of this circus! We heard a confused and perturbed "Hello?" followed by a (from what I could see- the rest was hidden by the piles of junk) naked man popping his body out of a door and telling Lori that she was in the wrong place and needed to go downstairs. thank. goodness.

Needless to say, we were all extremely relieved! The man in question was
clearly a hoarder. Like... a hoarder in need of psychological assistance. It was unbelievable. It was like one of those houses that you see in those shows where the people stage an intervention! This is not a hyperbole, I promise! There were other witnesses besides me- ask!!! Now, about the "nude" factor... he was topless (it seemed like he had recently been in the shower), but he could have been wearing a towel for all I know. However, I didn't see his bottom half due to the large piles of useless junk. Thank you large piles of useless junk.

All righty, ladies and gentlemen! Show's over! Thank you for visiting the New York Circus! I hope you enjoyed the show! Please leave a comment!

(Btw, I realized mid-writing that we had actually seen hoarder man first, but I left it in the order it was already falling into because I can. And because I'm lazy. kbye!)


  1. I can attest to the fact that the second apartment you discussed (naked man) was, in fact, revolting. The real estate broker also suspected roaches and rats with the way the person was living-- incredible.

    Thankfully, I was the last person to enter the apartment, so I did not have to actually see the naked man since he was around the corner from me. But I did see Angel, and that was just delightful.


  2. Thank you for confirming the disgustifiedness. I never met Angel... was she Angelo's wife? ;)

  3. I'm just laughing so loud my mom is wondering what I"m laughing at so loudly!! (She thinks I am laughing at something on the TV that I can't even see.) Angelo was just delightful!! And don't forget - he said "everyone comes, says it is very nice, then they never come BACK!" I forget if what he followed that with but it was something equally funny. I think you SHOULD have rented it JUST for the sake of having Angelo as a super. NOT!!!!!
    Thanks for finishing the story. I needed the laugh tonight!!

  4. Brittany, Welcome to New York!!! Wait till you visit San Fransisco one day. The blogs that are going to come from you living in NY are going to be delightful.

    I enjoyed my trip to the human circus!!

  5. This post was slightly more than a "P.S."...but it was highly entertaining anyway. I'm sure you know my feelings on nudity.


  6. @Mom E. LOL! Thanks! I am glad you enjoyed the post. Laughter is the best medicine, so I am glad I could help. Your poor mother probably thinks you are going mad. LOL Thanks for the comment! <3

    @Tamara Silly! Did you forget that I used to LIVE in Northern California! I have probably been to San Francisco more often than New York, truthfully! I used to love it there- beautiful city. Thanks for the comment; glad you enjoyed the circus! ;)

    @Marcy Haha! Now, you wouldn't have liked it NEARLY as much if it were just a "P.S." would you? ;) Glad you were entertained! Thanks for the comment!

  7. Brittany, you may have lived there but you where not blogging than so, guess your going to have to move back for a bit just so you can blog for us about San Fran. ~smiling~

  8. @Mom Thank you! I appreciate it. I am glad you enjoyed it; thanks for the comment! :)

    @Tamara Ohhh, I see. Well... I will need a place to stay... hmmm... LOL! :D

  9. Your blog is amusing Brittany. You have a way with words! Just think, some woman, probably Angel, is eagerly awaiting some sweaty Italian loving at the end of the day!


  10. Wow! Sounds like you find the excitement where it is! Reminded me of this guy's home I had to go to and he had obviously saved EVERY beer and soda can he had ever had, and EVERY issue of the newspaper in neat stacks in one room - clear to the ceiling! He offered something to drink and I knew I would NOT eat ANYTHING from that kitchen. Oh and his little dog "Scruffy" was aptly named and everything he had "deposited" in the last, oh year or so, was all over the yard. Disgusting did not come close to describing that place!
    Glad you survived the show!!

    PS. I have clients in the Hamptons and they take the train in to work and say it is a fast commute. I am not suggesting you look in the Hamptons for a place, mind you, but just saying if people who live really well in NY take the train, it can't be all that bad to commute.

  11. @Tricia Heehee! Glad I could amuse you! That is hilarious- "Angel"! LOL, love it! "Sweaty Italian loving"?!?!?!?! UCK!!! HAHAHA! Well, who knows? All I know is that I would NOT be interested in THAT! Bleck! :D

    @Marcy That. is. disgusting. OMGOSH! Good for you; I wouldn't have eaten anything found in that kitchen either! N.a.a.a.a.a.s.t.y! About the commute: it really won't be bad, especially for Trav. He is a reader- big time. Therefore, he will be reading novel after novel, article after article, etc., etc. on his trips. He is very "efficient", so I am sure he will be getting something accomplished on his long commute. :) I agree, not so bad.