Lindsey Portugal Photography

While my son is in his crib staring at his mobile in awe, I thought I would get on and write a quick post about something special.  As some of you may know, I like to support artistic entrepreneurs just starting out.  One of the best ways I can do this is through advertising for them.  Whether this is by handing out their cards, bragging about how wonderful they are to friends and family, or posting on my Facebook and blog, I like to help!

Well, this particular entrepreneur is close to my heart, my sister.  Some of you may follow her blog, Portugal Ponderings (If you don't, you may want to check it out!  I follow it, so you can find it in a snap!), and if you do follow her blog, you know that she has just begun her own photography business!  It is an exciting new journey for her, and she is enjoying every minute of it!  So this is my shout out:

If you are in the Houston area or know of anyone in the Houston area looking for a photographer, check out my sister, Lindsey Portugal!  

Why?  Well, I will tell you!  You are not going to find a more creatively meticulous person in the world!  If you want perfect photos, Lindsey is your gal.  She is is one of those people that won't settle for good or even wonderful!  She wants perfection in her art (You should see her decorative cakes- sheesh!!!).  She seeks this perfection by being open to clients' ideas and suggestions as well as through professional development.  She reads photography books, researches and studies others' photography, and, most importantly, practices to scaffold her knowledge of photography and increase her skill.

Not enough to convince you?  Then check out her Facebook page "Lindsey Portugal Photography" to see her photos from the recent engagement shoot she did.  You won't be disappointed.  =]  And it would be totally groovy if you could "like" her Facebook page to show her some love and give some support to an entrepreneur just starting out.  I would dig it.  That's right... groovy... dig... I brought out the big guns.

Enjoy!

P.S. You can leave a comment here to let me (and her) know what you think!  You know I love me some comments!  =D

Push Him Out! Push Him Out! Waaaaay Out!!!

WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. 

 CORRECTIONS FROM THE PREVIOUS POST:

I, apparently, had an appointment Wednesday, the 11th, at 8:50am instead of on my actual due date.  At that point, I was 80% effaced and 2 cm dilated.  That is when the midwife, Liza, told me, "I don't think you are going to make it to your induction on Wednesday."  She said she thought that I would give birth that weekend.  She really wanted to deliver T.J., but, alas, he showed up on Dorothy's watch!  I loved Dorothy, but Liza would have been just as spectacular- all the midwives are fabulous!  =]

That leads me to another correction: when I went into the office during the afternoon (right before being admitted), I was then 3-4 cm.  THAT is when Dorothy decided it was time to admit me, and she told me she would meet us at the hospital.  That makes a lot more sense than being in that much pain and going to the hospital when only 2 CENTIMETERS DILATED!!!  Haha!

This isn't so much a correction as it is some funny information I left out... I labored some in the bathtub in our condo wearing a bathing suit and sipping a raspberry black tea lemonade from Starbs!  =]  Ahhh, it was glorious, you know, when I wasn't in terrible pain and all...

___________________________________________________________

All righty, ready for the rest?  Well, ready or not, here it comes!

You know, the awesome thing about going into labor is that, if it happens at the proper time, you are SO ready for it.  At least I was.  I was tired of being fat.  I was tired of being bloated.  I was tired of being... well... tired- I mean sheesh!  I had to pee like 7 times a night for goodness's sake!  This is all not mentioning the fact that the baby is SO real by 9 months.  I had carried my child for a very long time, I knew he was a boy, I knew his name, I could FEEL him SO vividly moving around... I wanted to meet him!  God planned this so perfectly so that the excitement of meeting your little addition to the family greatly outweighs your fear of the pain involved in labor and delivery.  Some may disagree, and are so very entitled to, but that is the way it was for me.  =]  I was ready.

You know... at the very beginning of my pregnancy, I thought that I would really, really try to give birth naturally (you know, no drugs).  

...

.....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA..

 .......

BAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Now don't get me wrong, I was never of the opinion that I was absolutely, never ever, no matter what going to get an epidural.  However, after going through the birthing process, the thought of going "drug free" is hilariously absurd to me now- especially considering my low pain tolerance.  It is actually kind of funny how the thought of getting the epidural evolved during my pregnancy.  At the beginning, let's say I was at 20% thought of getting the epidural... well... as the pregnancy continued and I came closer and closer to "the day", that 20% grew to probably 95% thought of getting the epidural opposed to not.  xD  Yes, I was chicken- and for good reason!  I do not do well with pain... I am not one of those "he-women" who can just butch through a stubbed toe, etc.  

But I digress...

We arrived at the hospital and checked in, and then we were placed in a nice birthing room with wood floors, a tub, etc.  (I mean, good grief, the bathroom was nicer than master bath at our condo!)  Once Dorothy came in, she checked things out and asked if I wanted the epidural.  Everyone was really great about not pushing me into getting it- they knew that I had planned initially to go natural.  I decided that I wanted the drugs!  (It didn't take a lot of time or thought... haha!)  

During the epidural, even Travis couldn't be in the room.  I had to breathe through the contractions, leaning over a pillow.  I don't want to brag, but I did really well with not moving and becoming paralyzed by the epidural.  There was a small pinch, but the epidural really did not hurt badly at all; the anesthesiologist was fantastic.  I didn't want to see the needle before it went into my back because that would be, well, insane.  However, afterward, I definitely wanted to see it so I could see what a beast I was!  =D  The anesthesiologist showed me how big it was, and it was big but not as bad as I thought.

The happy juice hit pretty quickly...  P.S. Epidural?  Best. decision. of. my. life.

The best part of the epidural was obviously that it took away the pain, but another great effect of the epidural is indirect.  Because of the pain going away, I got a chance to sleeeeeeeeep!!!!  That was super important because I was already exhausted.  If I hadn't gotten sleep, I would have been too tired to push... which, obviously, would have been a problem for the little guy who was making his way out whether my body was ready or not.

Since I had the epidural, I could carry on a conversation with people and just enjoy labor in general.  We were laughing, talking, and having a fine time.  =]  Various people came in to see me and wish me luck!  It felt like forever to be truthful; I was wondering when it would be time to get the ball... er... baby rollin'!  

What happened when the epidural started running out?  I simply pressed a button and more would shoot into my blood stream!  Yayyyy happy juice!!!!

Now any of you who have had an epidural know that the feeling of your bottom half is... well... gone... my legs felt like they were 200 lbs each!  I could barely move them at all!  It was such an insane feeling!  Thus, if I couldn't control my legs (or any of my bottom half), I couldn't get up to pee (something you do very frequently during pregnancy).  Problem?  NAH!  Thankfully because of the epidural, you cannot feel them put the catheter (yikes!) in!  Not having to pee is one of the contributing factors to me getting some awesome sleep prior to pushing.  =]  Trust me, that is a good thing because they were PUMPING fluids into me like nobody's business!

And we all slept... Travis even hopped into the hospital bed and snuggled up to me for a nap.  Hey, it was getting late, and we were exhausted, we all needed some sleep!  


But... there were complications:


- Because of the epidural, my blood pressure got too low (this happened to my mother during one or both of her births), and so I had to have Ephedrine to raise it back up (ironic considering that it was so high I needed to be tested for Preclampsia).  


- They had to give me Pitocin because the epidural was making my contractions slow.


- A bigger problem occurred... one that scared all of us...


When I was laboring, the RN and midwife turned me from side to side (a normal thing they do during labor).  Well.... While I was lying to my right side, that steady baby heart rate started faltering... it would get too low and then over compensate.  Basically, my poor little baby was inside, stressed out, with a sporadic heart rate flying up and down.  =[


This was dangerous for T.J.  Dangerous enough for the midwife to bring in a doctor... the doctor checked it out, and the general consensus was that if his heart rate didn't level out again, I would need to have an emergency Cesarean Section.  Great.  This was devastating news for me.  I wanted SO badly to have my child vaginally.  They don't do VBACs these days (vaginal birth after a C-section), so if I had a C-section for this birth, that would determine that I would have C-sections for every next baby.  =[  Heart-breaking yes.  Would I put my child at risk to not break my own heart?  No.  I came to terms with it- it may have to go that way.  That was all there was to it.


Eventually, however, my mom realized that the heart rate only went sporadic when I was lying on my right side.  The midwife thought that that could be due to the positioning of the baby and the umbilical cord - perhaps he as lying on it?  Thus, I stayed on my left side and back for the remainder of my laboring.  Instantly his heart rate stabilized when I changed my positioning.


Before I move on, I want to say that at some point during this whole process, I remember it hit like a rush...


Different people from different departments were pouring in and out of the room, chaos was ensuing, and they put an oxygen mask on my face.  That is when I looked to my left at Travis's face- worry-stricken and in a painful, helpless shock.  I tried reassuring him that everything was fine and going to be fine, but I knew that my attempts were futile.  How do you make someone feel better when the love of their life is trying to deliver the second love of their life and is having everyone freak out around her and giving her a mask to help her breathe!?  I was more worried about Travis being scared to death than I was that I was getting extra oxygen through a mask.  Speaking of which, that oxygen mask was annoying... just sayin.


Anyway, so it was finally getting time to push.  The lovely shine-an-intense-burning-light-of-the-sun-toward-the-pregnant-lady's-crotch lights came on like glorious spotlights on the main, unmentionable attraction.  Lindsey got on one side of me to hold my right leg (WHICH, by the way, she did not sign up for- she actually planned on sitting on the sidelines away from "view" if ya know what I mean... well those dreams were thrashed by my enthusiastic midwife).  My mom held my left leg while Travis stood by, preparing for helping with the delivery.  If I had known that they didn't have to hold my legs, you know... that I could have used the sturdy metal stirrups instead to push on, I would have probably requested the stirrups.  I felt inhibited because I didn't want to thrust my mom and sister across the delivery room with my legs while pushing!!!  Anyway, we will get to that excitement in a bit.  


The midwife put on gloves and... i was just... gloriously exposed... awesome.  Speaking of which, (Haha, if that isn't a scary beginning to a sentence, then I don't know what is!) as I was... erm... there... I see new hospital faces peeking at me, smiling, THROUGH MY LEGS from across the room!  Truth be told, I kept a pretty happy disposition the whole time, but that kind of annoyed me.  I had to ask, "Ummm, who are they?!"  Apparently they were NICU people, just in case.  Ahhhh, nothing like being completely exposed whilst meeting new people.  "Well, hi there!  This is my crotch.  Nice to meet you!"


Finally it was time to "Push him out!  Push him out!  Waaaaaay out!"  xD  I will just sum this part up... I turned inside out and boom! we had a baby!  


okay... maybe I won't sum it up that much.


Dorothy broke my water, and we were ready to roll.  I don't want to freak any pregnant or wanting-to-be-pregnant women out, but it was excruciating.  The absolute hardest, most painful experience of my life.  By that point, the epidural had worn out, which is helpful for pushing but also makes it... well... HURT LIKE THE DICKENS!!!  Pushing is not easy as you can imagine.  I was asked to take a deep breath right before a contraction and then push for as long as possible while holding my breath.  This was particularly unpleasant with that stupid oxygen mask on; thankfully she finally took it off of me during the pushing.  That whole "screaming bloody murder while pushing" that you see in the movies... not true.  You are supposed to not make a peep while pushing!  Craziness!!!


I pushed for just under an hour (around 12:30 am-1:24am).  Unfortunately, I needed the episiotomy, but it helped the process go much smoother and quicker.  My sister, Lindsey, said that she had never seen me work harder at anything in my whole life.  And truly, I haven't.  When you know that you are working for your child's life, nothing, not even exhaustion or pain, can stop you.  I do remember saying a few times, however, "I can't do it."  To which my midwife replied, "You have to do it for your baby."  She was right.  And I did.


At one point during the birth, I don't personally remember when (I was busy after all), my sister nearly passed out.  It was near the end when she actually saw T.J.... um... emerging (Sorry, I warned ya!  Not for the faint of heart!).  The midwife was yanking little blue-gray T.J. to and fro by the head trying to get his shoulders out.  Travis had gloves on and was ready to help out, but just as he reached to pull T.J. out, Dorothy pushed him quickly out of the way so she could unwrap the cord from around his neck (that explained the heart rate issue).  Seeing all of this... joyousness... that is when Lindsey felt extremely woozy.  Apparently (I heard later) that Travis noticed this and told her quietly to sit down!  However, she pulled through like a champ!  She sucked it up, stopped watching the nether-regions, and stuck through it till the end!  As far as the rest of the birth goes, Travis helped Dorothy pull T.J. out, and he also cut the cord!  I held T.J. for a moment before they whisked him away to make sure he began breathing- that is when I heard his sweet little cry for the first time.  =']  

Once he was cleaned up, weighed, etc., I held that soft little bundle of love in my arms and knew my heart would never be the same.  <3


The beginning.

Mother's Day 2012

Hey there, everyone!  I just wanted to take a quick break from my regularly scheduled labor and delivery story to write a post about my first, official baby-out-of-the-womb Mother's Day!  I say that because obviously, last Mother's Day (2011), T.J. was "here" but Travis, T.J., God, and I were the only ones who knew!  (I know it is past midnight so technically it isn't Mother's Day anymore, but let's just pretend, shall we?  ;] )  Oh... do you feel that???  Do you see the smoke???  That's right!  Here comes a flashbaaaaaaaackkkkkk....

 ::voice fading in the distance::

::smoke forming over your view and clearing to reveal Mother's Day 2011::

During Mother's Day 2011, Travis and I knew I was pregnant because just two days before I had tested.  I tested a little early because I didn't want to test so close to Mother's Day, get a negative result, and have the whole day ruined for me, but I also didn't want to MISS my "first" Mother's Day by not testing.  We went to the Engebretsen's home for Mother's Day, but we wanted to tell my parents in person that we were pregnant first.  Thus, it was a "private" Mother's Day for me.

We privately rejoiced in our hearts.

Travis privately gave me a card and a gift.

We privately celebrated.

We privately exchanged knowing glances and looks.

It was wonderful regardless of the privacy.  We had a baby.  He wasn't with us yet.  We didn't know whether he was a he or a she!  We didn't know anything... only that we had been extremely blessed... and that I was a mommy on that Mother's Day.  =]

Anywho!  When it came to pictures, what were we to do?  I wanted to get my "pregnant/first" Mother's Day picture!  But how?  Well, there has been a long-standing joke in the family about Travis and I being pregnant- we always joke about it... yes, we ARE strange, thanks for asking!  Thus, it was easy!  When we were taking photos, I "jokingly" said, "Haha!  Take a pic of Travis, me, and 'Riley'!"  (Riley was a very popular baby girl name when Travis and I started dating, so that was always the name we used for our "baby".  As we did the traditional pregnancy pose, I leaned in and said to Travis right before the picture was taken, "Give a real smile!"  And voila!  We had our picture!

The funny thing is that they TOTALLY bought it!  Kristin even popped over and took a picture with me as I held her tummy as if she were pregnant!!!  awesome.

That was my technical "first" Mother's Day... but, boy, is it better when the baby is OUT!  =]

::voice, once again, fading in the distance::

::smoke, once again, forming over your view and clearing to reveal Mother's Day 2012::

Today was different.  It wasn't private.  It wasn't silent.  It. was. awesome!

I woke up to breakfast in bed. <3
I received a card from T.J. and one from Travis! <3
I received a dozen red roses. <3
We went to church where I was handed a pink rose and told "Happy Mother's Day" multiple times. <3
I stood up during the service when they honored the moms. <3
Then I was taken to Starbucks for a yummy raspberry black tea lemonade- delish! <3
I was taken to Pei Wei for lunch(Travis initially tried Longhorn, but, of course, it was PACKED to the BRIM!  Heehee!) where we got take-out.  Then I got to eat it leisurely and comfortably- honestly, that was probably better than being in noisy Longhorn stressing about the possibility of T.J. fussing!  Ha!  Plus, who doesn't love them some chicken fried rice!?  <3
Then I was taken home where I took a two-hour nap while Travis took care of our energetic little munchkin. <3
We ended the night by happily watching "The Next Food Network Star"... if you haven't seen it, you should!  <3

And the best part of Mother's Day?  Being a mother of course! 

I love my little baby bear more than anything!  He is the joy of my life, and I am unbelievably grateful to the Lord for blessing us with T.J.  The joy of being a mommy overwhelms me sometimes.  I know this sounds super corny, but sometimes when I am rocking T.J., I cannot help but snuggle him close and just cry.  I feel like my heart is overflowing... how can one heart hold that much love?  I didn't think it could until T.J. came into our lives.  How is it that just as I feel like I have reached my maximum capacity of loving that little button, he somehow makes me love him exponentially more as another second ticks by? 

Then how much more must God love us?  He has a Son... He loves his Son.  I would give my son for no one.  HE gave His Son for everyone.  When I think on that, I realized just how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father.

This has been a wonderful day filled with wonderful memories.  Happy Mother's Day to all moms and moms-to-be.  I hope your day was as blessed as mine.

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb."  -Psalm 139:13

 -Please share some of your Mother's Day memories in a comment!  What did you do this year?  Do you have a favorite memory you would like to share?  Feel free!  I would love to read about it!-

Welcome, T.J.!

T.J. is three months and eleven days old today; thus, I think it is about time I share his birth story with you.  Ready??  ::crickets chirping::  Well... at least the crickets will read about it... I shall carry on then!!!

By about 37 weeks of pregnancy (when I was considered "full term"), I had mentally checked out of the pregnancy.  Even though most first-time pregnancies actually go past due, I was hoping that he would come early!  Crazy me!  Furthermore, I partially didn't want him to come until my parents came (right around New Years Eve).  Another interesting thing was that Lindsey and Ivan were going on a cruise out of Ft. Lauderdale on January 3rd and getting home on the 7th.  Then Lindsey was going to stay with us from the 8th till the 14th in hopes that she would be here for the birth.  That was unlikely considering the shortness of her visit and the unlikelyhood that T.J. would actually be born that close to his due date on the 12th.

I had an obstetrician appointment on Wednesday the 4th of January (...or maybe it was Friday the 6th?  Meh... can't remember now, but I know that it was not too many days prior to our P.F. Chang's experience- you'll read about that in a moment.)  Either way, that was the appointment where I found out that I was still only fingertip dilated (1/2 a centimeter) but thankfully 80% effaced (compared to 50% the last appointment).  I wasn't too happy about this; I really had wished I was further along.  Either way, that is when one of the midwives scheduled my induction for the Wednesday after my due date (the 18th of January).  I also had an appointment ON my due date- the 12th.

As the days dragged on, I was enjoying my sister's visit, but realizing that time was ticking for Lindsey to actually be there for the birth.  Truth be told, as we got closer and closer, I just tried to give up on the idea of Lindsey being there (Why set myself up for disappointment, right?).  =[  We kept walking and walking and walking, though (trying to "walk the baby out" if you will).  Truthfully... every walk turned into a "kick the pine cone" game- haha!  We kicked a stinkin' pine cone around for like 30-60 minutes!  One of the cheapest, most simple games- not gonna lie... it was a blast!  Poor pine cone... didn't even see it comin'...

Excitement hit on Monday the 9th!  My family went to PF Chang's for dinner, and at the table I began feeling my stomach firming up!  I didn't really feel it firm out from the inside, but i could feel it get firmer when I felt it on the outside.  It didn't hurt at all, so we didn't think too much about it.  However, then I noticed that the "firming" was coming every 15 minutes... consistently... hmmm...  Then, as we were walking to the car, I felt a firming that was a little "uncomfortable"... hmmm yet again.  That's when we all started to get really excited.  Thus, we went home and walked some more.  Once my "contractions" (AKA firming of my belly that did NOT hurt- haha!) reached 5 minutes apart, lasting for one minute each, everyone was ready to hit the hospital.  Yes, I know, I know... no pain and we wanted to get to the hospital?!  Were we crazy?!  Welllll, perhaps I was just desperately hoping that I would be one of those rare cases where I didn't really feel the contractions too much (yeahhhh, really smart, I know).  We figured, hey, better safe than sorry.

Well, that worked out well. 

NOT.

I asked the nurse if she thought that it could be possible I was in actual labor without being able to feel pain... She gave me that pity-filled, half-hearted, "Well, it could happen... let's just find out," answer... Let me translate for you: "Oh... you stupid, stupid girl... how are you so very ignorant about life?"  Turns out I was not in labor (surprise, surprise).  Oh, and want to hear the icing on top of the cake?  Apparently my blood pressure was high (I have NO idea why it would be high after consuming a salt-filled meal at P.F. Chang's, being at the peak of my pregnancy weight gain, and being nervous about whether or not I would be having my CHILD that evening!!!!.... ::deep breath::).  My blood pressure was high enough that they decided to check me for Preclampsia- awesome.  I was four days away from my due date, and they decided to check THEN for Preclampsia?!?!?!?!  REALLY?!  That is annoying enough to throw one into labor right then and there!  (At that time I would have hoped it would!)  Long story short, I didn't have Preclampsia (yet again... surprise, surprise), wasn't in labor, and ended up having to pay for the visit and lab work.  yay me.  Oh, and btdubs, we arrived back home at about 2:00am.  Fantastic.

This was all not only disappointing, but highly embarrassing as well.  Apparently, though, many other people have made the same mistake.  Either way, we went home with our tails between our legs.  After that night, I was extremely discouraged... I was SO ready to meet my little one.  In fact, I was so discouraged that I didn't even want to walk anymore and I began to just have a hopeless attitude about Lindsey being there for the birth.  This hopelessness and embarrassment over going to the hospital made me not want to go to the hospital when I really went into active labor on Wednesday the 11th at around 11:00am.

The night of the 10th-11th, I remember waking up in the middle of the night not feeling so hot in the "cramping" department.  By 11:00am on Wednesday, I was not a super happy camper.  I would stop and breathe through the contractions, and I also took a hot bath which felt pretty good but didn't stop the pain.  As said, I didn't want to go to the hospital again because I could just see the "Ohhhh it's the 'Am I in labor?  Are you sure??' girl again... (::rolling eyes::)" look from the nurses in my mind.  Thus, I decided to call my obstetrician's office to see what I should do.  They said to wait until the contractions were more at the "5 minutes apart, lasting for 1 minute, continuing on in that way for 1 hour" pattern, but she warned me that they were closing at 4:00pm.  Therefore, if I wanted an appointment, I would have to come in before 4pm.  Otherwise, I would have to just go to the hospital.  Well, I didn't want to chance having to be embarrassed and sent home again.  Therefore, we got on the road and headed to the office and arrived before they closed.  Well let. me. tell. YOU... that car trip was TERRIBLE!!!  OWWWWWW!!!!  Not fun in the least. 

Well apparently I was, indeed, contracting... I jumped up to 2 cm and was still 80% effaced.  My midwife, Dorothy Bree, could see that by my contractions and my dilation, I was ready to be admitted.

**Oh, as a side note, Travis was obviously there- we called him and told him that he should probably come home (glad we did!!!)**

I was admitted at 4:30pm on Wednesday the 11th of January, and that is when the fun began.  =]

To be continued...

Thank You For 14 Years of Friendship

Saturday was one of the most difficult days of my life because I had to make the most difficult decision I have ever had to make.  I had to decide between selfishness and selflessness, pain for another or pain for myself.  However... love is selfless... and I loved my kitty cat, Darlin.

Over the past couple of months specifically, her health has been declining drastically.  She wasn't making it to the litter box, was having trouble eating, was blind, was deaf, and was even having trouble walking.  She would stumble and fall and sleep nearly twenty out of twenty-four hours a day.  In a word, she was disoriented.

I received some wise advice from my mother-in-law (who recently had to put down her eleven-year-old dog): you have to weigh the quality of life compared to the chance that the animal will get better.  Well, there was no quality to Darlin's life anymore for her- she didn't know where she was, who she was, or who was with her.  She struggled through each and every day, and if she wasn't struggling, she was sleeping.  So... no quality of life.  There also was absolutely no chance of her health improving because she was fourteen years old and extremely feeble.

Those were the facts.  And those facts came with a serious choice:
1) I could be REALLY selfish and wait until she became even more disoriented, started feeling severe pain, and died on her own.

2) I could STILL be selfish and wait until she was obviously in pain and then put her down- allowing her last memory to be pain.

3) I could make the most difficult choice, be unselfish, and put her down before she was in any horrific pain but was obviously not really enjoying life, per se.

I never thought I would be fervently praying for my kitty to die, but I was.  I didn't want to go through with it... I wanted her to die peacefully in her sleep- oh how I would have been thankful to know that she had just gone in her sleep before I ever had to make "the" decision.

I received a call a few weeks ago from my mom and dad letting me know that they thought Darlin might be dying- she was having trouble making it to the litter box and was no longer eating.  I said my goodbyes over the phone, asked for them to love on her, and just hoped that she would go while sitting in my dad's lap (one of her favorite places to sleep) or in the middle of the night while sleeping in her bed.  However, we also discussed the possibility of her needing to be put down.  I watched her stumble around on web cam for a bit, discussed what was going on with her, and then knew the choice I had to make- the best choice for her.

There was, however, a light at the end of that short, yet emotional, tunnel.  My parents told me that she was doing better!  She had started eating again and seemed to be having a little bit of a better time with "living".  Phew!  That was a close one!

Pain struck again, though, Friday, when my mom called me to let me know that it was, indeed, time.  She had made an appointment for Darlin to be put down at 10:30 am Saturday.  There wasn't much time, but she wanted to inform me and confirm that it would be okay with me.  I knew that it was the right choice, but there was one condition... I had to be there.  Travis and I were going to make it up to Tennessee by the Saturday- no other option.  The vet was super helpful and generous; she opened later on specifically for us so we wouldn't have to make it to a 10:30 am appointment and so I would have some time with her before having to say goodbye.  It was final... after 4:00 pm, Darlin would be in peace at last.

How would we get to Tennessee?  We would either have to pay a whole lot of money to fly commercial (with the potential of us still not being able to get a flight), spend 12 hours each way driving to Tennessee (driving through the night Friday), or Travis's dad, Shawn, could fly us in his small, private plane.  This was one of those times where I was so thankful, that I barely knew what to say because words couldn't quite express my gratitude.  Shawn and Becky flew us in the private plane to Tennessee, early Saturday morning (to return the next day).  I don't know quite how to express my gratitude to them because it is impossible to do so; it was a huge sacrifice for them... one that will never be forgotten.

Saturday was a solemn day.  When I arrived at my parents' home, Darlin was in her bed... where she spent most of her time.  When I picked her up and held her, I could see in her old, tired eyes that it was time to let her be in peace.  I spent Darlin's last hours with her.  She purred and she snuggled, and I loved on her: kissed her, hugged her, held her, sang to her, and talked to her.  I told her how much I loved her.  I told her that the only reason I was going to do what I was about to do was because I loved her.  And I prayed... I prayed so hard that God would just let it happen there in my arms so that we wouldn't need to go through with the thing I had been dreading.

I wished that time would stop.  I wished that time would go backward.  I wished anything except that time would move forward, but it did.  The hours ticked by, and with each passing hour, my heart broke a little more.

When it was finally time to go to the vet, I held Darlin close to me in my sweater and kept her warm and cozy.  We made it to the vet, and my mom- God bless her- signed the consent form for me.  Once we went in the room, I confirmed with her that it was the right thing to do- I couldn't help but doubt my choice over and over... how could something so selfless and "right" for my kitty, break me inside so much?  She confirmed that she thought it was time (I had heard this confirmation so many times, but I didn't quite want to believe it).  She explained that she needed to take Darlin to the back to insert the catheter, which would then stay there until we were ready to have the injection (we would of course be in the room for that).  When I handed her over and the vet took her away to the back, I broke down.  My back slid down the wall until I was sitting on the floor of the office with Travis's arms wrapped around me.  I sobbed.  And sobbed.

As much as I wanted Darlin back in my arms, I dreaded the vet bringing her back to me.  Her bringing Darlin back into that room would only mean one thing: the moment I had dreaded was about to occur.  However, time moved on...

My little kitty was brought back into the room with a catheter in her sweet, tiny paw.  She was also a little tired and subdued because the vet had to give her something so the catheter wouldn't hurt going in.

I sat down on a chair in the corner with my sweet baby girl in her bed in my lap- her favorite place to be: in a lap.  My parents and Travis surrounded us.  We all prayed over her and each of them kissed her sweet little head and said, "I love you."  I held her close, kissed her and said, "I love you," many times... but never enough.  I nodded to the vet, and my baby for 14 years went into the most peaceful sleep while we had our hands on her.  Just as her eyes closed completely, I stroked her head and held her paw.  The vet checked her heart, but I already knew she was gone.  She went fast.  She went gracefully.  She went peacefully.

I can't explain the urge you feel to say, "STOP!" as the injection is already happening...  it's like... even if you wanted to change your mind at that point, you can't.  It is no longer your choice.  Even as she laid still before we left... there was an urge to say, "No, wait!  Please, not yet!  I changed my mind..."

Soon after she passed, I asked if I could pick her up.  I held my tiny, limp kitty cat in my arms, kissed her, and told her again that I loved her.  I then laid her down on her bed, curled up as if she was sleeping, and crossed her two sweet front paws.  She was beautiful.

I set her and her bed down on the vet's counter and left the room so my mom could discuss the cremation with the vet.  After about a minute in the lobby, I found myself going back into the room to see Darlin's face one last time.  I just wasn't ready to say goodbye.  Not that I would ever be.  I pet her again, kissed my fingers and placed them gently on her head and left the room for the last time.

I don't know how to express to those who have never had a close pet what it feels like to have to make a decision like the one I made for Darlin.  I can't express the pain the occurs inside when you have to watch your sweet kitty of 14 years pass away in your lap because of an injection that you, yourself, gave the "nod" to the vet to give...

Other things in my life have happened in a way where I could "spread out" the emotion.  What I mean is, usually when hurtful things happen in your life, you can transfer some of that sorrow to anger, bitterness, happiness, relief, etc.  When hurtful events happen, usually there are "mixed emotions".  I can deal with mixed emotions.  But this... is pure, undiluted sorrow.  I have never known such dense, complete sadness in my heart.  In other situations, the emotions are spread out amongst others.  This helps because you are called to support and console others even if you are hurting as well.  If Darlin was a kitty Travis and I had gotten together, he and I would share the sorrow- thus spreading it out.  I would console him and he would console me- we would both carry the heavy burden.  Darlin was my kitty cat.  My baby.  I am not saying that others weren't big parts of her life or that she wasn't a big part of others' lives... she definitely was.  However, if asked whose cat she was... the answer was "Brittany's".  We were friends from my childhood into adulthood- loyal companions.  What I am saying is that I didn't have anyone to console... I didn't have anyone with whom to share the immense burden- not the exact same burden at least.  These are the reasons why this pain was worse than anything I have ever experienced thus far.

Darlin wasn't just any kitty- she was special.  She was a lap kitty.  She loved much and was loved much by everyone that knew her.  She would come when I called and play tag with me when she was younger and stronger.  She was my companion, friend, and baby.  I grew up as she did.  Unfortunately, pets grow faster than we do, thus, death takes them long before it takes us.

I wish I could say that I can now think fondly of her without ever feeling my heart crack and crumble inside or tears flowing down my cheeks, but I can't.  It takes more time.  More than anything, it takes the Lord's healing.

I think one of the best ways to end this is by saying thank you.  Thank you Mom and Dad for loving Darlin and caring for her.  You two proved selfless till the end to not only my kitty but to me as well.  You took her under your wing when Travis and I couldn't, paid for health expenses even when money was tighter than normal, and gave her love from the beginning until the end.

Becky, thank you for your consolation, support, and advice through this whole ordeal.  You helped solidify in my heart and mind that I was making the right, humane choice.  Thank you for the times you have taken care of Darlin when my parents have come to visit and brought the cats with them.  I know the kitties messed up your study's bathroom, but you were generous and gracious about it despite the chaos.  During those trips, you were loving to Darlin, spent time with her, held her, and pet her even though she caused you some allergy issues.  I know she appreciated the attention.

Shawn, thank you for your support and willingness to fly on the drop of a hat to get me to Tennessee to be with my baby for her passing away.  I know that flying in your plane costs you a lot in time and money, and you have never asked us once to reimburse you for gas- in fact you refuse our offers to pay for some of it.  This weekend could have been a stressful 24 hours on the road for Travis and me, but thanks to you and your generosity, the trip was so much less stressful (even considering the circumstances).  It means so much to me that I was able to be with Darlin until the end.

Travis, thank you for all of your support throughout this emotional roller coaster.  You have held me when I have needed to be held and backed off when I have needed some alone time.  You loved Darlin- that is the greatest gift you could have given to me for her.  In Tallahassee when she was with us, you would help me bathe her, feed her, clean out her litter box, clean up her messes, and spend time with her.  There were times when you would be sitting at the kitchen table doing homework with her curled up in your lap; I am so glad you have those special memories with her.  Other times, we three would cuddle on the couch together and fall asleep- a little "family nap".   She loved you, too.

Mom, thank you for getting her for me.  It is times like these where we have to remind ourselves that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  You claim to not be a "pet person", but you took care of Darlin's "pet needs" (litter box, food, water, etc.) better than I did many times- especially when I was younger.  As she and I grew older, you took care of her "sick needs"- putting pads down around the litter box in case she didn't make it, taking her to the vet when things didn't seem right, feeding her wet food when she could no longer eat the dry food, cleaning up a variety of her "messes", bathed her when she was too weak to clean herself, and so much more.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart- I know Darlin was thankful, too.

Dad, you were one of Darlin's favorite people (probably the top of her list near the end).  You loved that kitty, and you made sure she knew it.  You held her on your lap even when she drooled and pet her even when she was too old to clean herself- your hands had to have been filthy and your clothes covered in fur after holding her, but you didn't care... or at least, you cared more about her than those other issues.  I never had to worry that she was being neglected emotionally because I knew that you considered yourself her "grandpa".  There were times when I am sure it was "inconvenient" to love on her, but you were selfless until the very end.  She loved you so much.

Darlin, thank you for 14 wonderful years of friendship.  You were a loving, sweet, tiny kitten that grew into a loving, sweet, tiny cat.  You were loyal to me always despite not always being able to live with me.  I had a great childhood, but somehow you made it even greater.  I guess you just had a way of making life better.  You were a sweet addition to my life that I will never forget.  Thank you for snuggling with me.  Thank you for always saying hello with a sweet little "meow" when I would walk into the room.  Thank you for playing tag with me.  Thank you for coming when I called so I would know that I never had to try to hold or play with you against your will- you weren't that kind of cat (you weren't "fickle").  Thank you for going on trips with me.  Thank you for beating cancer a couple of years back and giving us more time together... I guess those vets didn't know who they were dealing with when they said you wouldn't make it more than a year.  They didn't know they were dealing with my Darlin.  Thank you for playing with me.  Thank you for napping with me.  Thank you for...everything you gave me.  Thank you for being my little "darlin'".  No other name could have suited you quite as perfectly.  Thank you for your love and devotion.  You are in peace now, never to suffer again.  You had a long, wonderful life full of adventure, love, and prayer for you.  Having to say goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure... but I did it out of love for you.  Love is selfless and kind- that was the most selfless and kind thing I could have done for you.  You didn't deserve to suffer any longer.  You deserved peace.  And now you have it.  My heart still breaks for you... I think there will always be at least a small scar on my heart from October 15th, 2011- the day I said goodbye to my sweet, one-of-a-kind friend.  You were beautiful as a baby, and you were beautiful lying still.  You were so beautiful.  Thank you for all you have given our family.  Thank you for all you have given me.

I miss you. 

I love you and will always love you.

Goodbye.